*sigh*

I am so tired. I find myself thinking that so often here lately. But it's not just a physical tired, it's an emotional tired. Which to me makes it worse. Physical tired is easily cured by rest... emotional tired.... I have yet to find a cure.

Chad's leave is coming up. As in he was supposed to be home tomorrow but thanks to a minor engine issue he will not be home until Monday. Great. But I get this news less than an hour after he calls to tell me he is on his way and that I will need to be at BNA at 1:45 to get him... not fun. But yet I am expected to be continually adapting to his needs and what is going on. This makes me crazy. I know, I know. This is called being a good spouse and friend even. But if you look at it from where I am sitting maybe you would understand. Things are incredibly 1 sided at this time in my life. I am the one sending him boxes, letters, pictures, videos, encouraging words. I am the one taking care of everything back home. What do I get in return?  maybe a phone call once in a while and twice in the last 5 months I've been sent flowers. (But don't be fooled, they came after I told him I had better be receiving them...) I've asked for 2 things since he's been gone. A letter sent to me and some pictures... No letter. And the pictures I get to see are posted by his friend on FB.  I sit in this house where pictures of us and the notes he left are up.... I mean... I am continually giving myself to this relationship and am getting nothing back in return other than a paycheck once a month and sometimes a phone call or an email....

Shortly after he left we started talking about his leave. We had planned on spending the first couple of days he was home just the 2 of us somewhere. We never got to do a honeymoon, so thought it would be nice. That way we could get some us time in before everyone else got a hold of him. Then a couple weeks ago he decides that's not going to be happening. He just wants to go on home.... ok?  so...  thanks, honey. How thoughtful of you.  And then I find out that he's making plans with his best friend all the time to do things (which is fine btw)  however he's not telling me. His friend is telling me.  What?  I mean really?  The last thing I wanted when he came home was to have a come-to-Jesus- meeting, but it looks like it's going to have to happen. 

Prior to him coming home I'd let him know I have 3 things I want to happen while he's here. 1 of which will not be happening. 2nd he will do everything in his power not to do (build-a-bear) and 3rd (picking him up from BNA)... i just don't see him caring too much about at this point. He is set that he's going to drive home from Atlanta...

Over the last couple of days it has come to my attention that I am going to be sorely let down these next couple of weeks. I know he loves me but he will put his wants first. And this is my struggle. He is only here for 2 weeks then gone again for another 6 months. The way I feel right now is why I had always said I would never be a military spouse. Ever. I am not by nature a needy person. I am very independent and do just fine alone. But to have made that connection and be expected to function 11.5 out of 12 months without it is flippin ridiculous. I'm tired of sacrificing. I'm tired of always being the one looking out for everyone else. I want to do what I want to do and not care about anything else... but I won't.

I miss my mom and SM. I could use one of their hugs right about now. I know I sound selfish. I feel it. I've been praying all last night and today that God would help take this feeling away, but it's holding on tightly. i know he's busy. I know he's going thru things none of us here have ever imagined going thru... but I also know his friends are going thru the same thing and they are doing everything. Their wives tell me about it... so I know it's happening. idk.... I feel petty for letting things get to me like this. But my heart is breaking and when it does everything comes rushing back.