no news

Things have not been so fun here as of late.  Between crazy work and school and crazy family stuff all the time I am just worn out. 

My husband should be coming home soon... but I've not heard from him.  The last time I talked to him, according to my call log on my phone, was Saturday around 11 pm and it was 32 seconds... "Hi honey, how are you? Good. I don't have any time to talk.  I'm here. I'm packing up my things. I love you. Bye." Then I get a phone call yesterday telling me he was coming home today... only to hear several hours later that they were wrong.  They didn't mean to tell me that.  Then they tell me I need to be getting my primary info from him.... But he hasn't called me.  Which isn't like him.  I just wish I could hear from him.  Just to hear his voice.  I know if you're reading this you probably have no idea what it's like.  I just want to hear his voice.  Not a recording of his voice.  But the actual thing. 

But something tells me if it hasn't happened already, it's not going to.  Just sucks.  Tired of hearing even other women talking about how they're hearing from their husbands all along the way but for whatever reason I am getting nothing.  Just sucks.  

That's really all I have.... it sucks.  I know us being apart is almost over. But I don't know what I'm going to do when he comes home.  Things are going to be so different anyway.  Our last super serious conversation he asked me not to push him.  I don't know what that means, and he wasn't able to tell me what he meant by that.  I am so afraid of our first month back together it's not even funny.  Like so afraid that we're just going to be super emotional and both of us will be having our feelings hurt... ok, afraid I will be emotional and getting my feelings hurt because he wants to be with everyone and I just want him to be with me.  I am the one who spends every waking moment less than 12 inches away from her cell phone hoping to hear from  him, I'm the one that sent him boxes full of stuff he wanted, I'm the one that wrote to him, I'm the one who lost sleep to talk to him, I'm the one who hasn't hardly been able to sleep this past year, I'm the one that had to deal with all this stuff since he's been gone.  idk. I just feel like it's not out of line to want this. And I'm sure it's not. But it is unreal to expect it.

I just wish I could talk to him now.  I'd say 'ya know' but certainly you don't. Just talking to him helps me forget that I am afraid.  Helps me remember that whatever he wants to do when he comes back is ok.

I love him.  End of story.  So ready for this chapter to be closed for us.